With the calendar flipped to 2010, it's time to look ahead and set some goals for the future. I will attempt to get into the head of 10 hip-hop artists and propose some hypothetical New Year resolutions.
I resolve to put down the Styrofoam cup just long enough to focus on that masterpiece bubbling inside me. (In return, we, your fans, will pretend that Rebirth never happened)
I, Curtis, hereby resolve to make myself relevant again without resorting to contrived feuds or formulaic rap singles. I also resolve to leave other people's family (especially kids) out of my petty beefs.
I, Kanye, hereby resolve to say "Goosfraba" five times as slowly as possible next time I feel the urge to interrupt an award ceremony.
I, Antwan, do resolve to kidnap Andre 3000 and lock him up in the studio until we have three albums worth of material in the can.
I resolve to slowly but surely develop an identity that's not entirely similar to Lil Kim's. I also resolve to expand my lyrical scope beyond the length of a teaspoon.
I resolve to stop shooting myself in the foot. Also, I will no longer make claims that are impossible to verify, like the one about my paranormal working relationship with J Dilla.
I hereby resolve to run the other way as fast as I can next time I'm offered a busload of machine guns and silencers, no matter how attractive the price tag.
I resolve to ignore everyone who says that I'm incapable of crafting another Illmatic. I will remind them that "it's always forward I'm moving. Never backwards, stupid." I will then back this up by making another classic.
I resolve to hire a speech therapist at some point this year.